Modern day Tommy Cooper gags
My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli.
He was pulled in by a strong currant.
What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.
A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted,
"Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"
The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
A man walks into a pub, and notices Vincent Van Gogh is standing at the
bar. "Do you want a pint, Vince?" he asks.
"No, thanks," replies the artist. "I've got one 'ere."
I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a mussel.
A man walks into doctor's office. "What seems to be the problem?" asks the
doc. "It's... um... well... I have five penises." replies the man.
"Blimey!" says the doctor, "How do your trousers fit?"
"Like a glove."
A brain and a jump lead go into a pub and order some drinks. The barman says
"I'm not serving you two!"
"Why?" asked the brain.
The barman replies, "Because you are out of your skull and he is bound to
Answer phone message
"....If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."
What do you give a cannibal who is late for dinner?
The cold shoulder.
A woman arrives at a bank with a fifty pound note stuck in each ear, and
asks to see the manager. The cashier steps through to the managers office:
"There's a woman to see you, she's £100 in arrears."
Our local chemist was robbed last week and a quantity of viagra was stolen.
Police say that they are looking for a gang of hardened criminals.
Sorry, I just couldn't resist them :)