number 3..would that be steve wright the dj?

I believe so.

No, it's Steven Wright the US comedian. See:
http://www.stevenwright.com/index.shtml

Some of his other lines include:

I like to skate on the other side of the ice.

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.

I went into a restaurant. The menu said "breakfast anytime." So I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I've been getting into astronomy, so I installed a skylight. The people who live above me are furious.

I went to a store and the sign said, OPEN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS. When I got there, there was a guy outside locking it up. I said, "What are you doing, the sign says, OPEN TWENTY-FOUR HOURS?" And he said, "Not in a row."

When I was a little kid, we had a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.

More are here:
http://www.ai.mit.edu/people/ceb/jokes.html

Very absurd!

Oh, you are educating me here :) I've seen quotes from Steve Wright and assumed it was "our" one on the radio ... he does pithy sayings some times and has "factoids" - small unlikely pieces of information - peppered through his show to make it ... erm ... more interesting? *shrugs* I generally find him annoying when I've listened and had to change to another station.

Peace
peter

:D

:)