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Peter Sheil

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Jokes [Apr. 15th, 2004|11:14 am]
Peter Sheil
A whole series of jokes from a community to which I belong. It's a big post, so I put most of them behind a cut.

ROMANCE MATHEMATICS
Smart man +smart woman = romance
Smart man + dumb woman = affair
Dumb man + smart woman = marriage
Dumb man +dumb woman = pregnancy
OFFICE ARITHMETIC
Smart boss +smart employee = profit
Smart boss + dumb employee = production
Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion
Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime
SHOPPING MATH
A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he needs.
A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't need.
GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
HAPPINESS
To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.
To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
LONGEVITY
Married men live longer than single men do, but married men are a lot more willing to die.
PROPENSITY TO CHANGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.

WHY MEN ARE JUST HAPPIER PEOPLE
What do you expect from such simple creatures!?
Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station because this one's just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress -- $5000; tux rental -- $100.
People never stare at your! chest when you're talking to them.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood, ALL the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes, one color, all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocketknife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives, on December 24, in 45 minutes.
No wonder men are happier!

Dear Dog and Cat,
When I say to move, it means to go someplace else, not Switch positions with each other so there are still two of you in the way.
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note that placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is therefore not a racetrack.
Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help either, as I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king size bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will resort to sleeping on the sofa to ensure your comfort.
Look at videos of dogs and cats sleeping. They can actually curl up into a ball. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. Please note that sticking tails and tongues out to maximize space used is nothing but sarcasm.
My compact discs are not miniature Frisbees.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If, by some miracle, I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, try to turn the knob, or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. When I exit this room, I will come
out the same door I entered. In addition, I have been using bathrooms for years. Canine and/or feline attendance has never been necessary.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog's butt. I cannot stress this enough. It would be such a simple change for you.
Now, in return for your following these simple rules, I have posted the following message on our front door:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the
furniture.
3. I like my pet a lot better than I like most people.
4. To you, it's an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn't speak clearly.
5. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't
ask for money all the time, are easier to train, usually come when called, never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about buying the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, don't need a gazillion dollars for college, and if they get pregnant, you can sell the results

MALE/FEMALE DICTIONARY
WANTS AND NEEDS (wontz and nedz) n.
Female: The delicate balance of emotional,physical and psychological longing one seeks to have fulfilled in a relationship.
Male: Food, sex and beer.
THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
GLASS CEILING (glas see-ling) n.
Female: The invisible barrier that stops women from rising to the upper levels in business.
Male: What would really be great at work since that hot babe took over the office one flight up.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing ball without a cup.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the guys.
BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: The organ of mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's
girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything with one ball, two beers, or The Three Stooges
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
Female: The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve.
Male: What men have to call "boinking" to get women to boink.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every 2 minutes.
TASTE (tayst) v.
Female: Something you do frequently to whatever you're cooking, to make sure it's good.
Male: Something you must do to anything you think has gone load prior to tossing it out.

Facts from having children that you probably didn't know...
1. A king size water bed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq. foot ranch house 1/4 inch deep.
2. If you sprat hair spray on dust bunnies and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.
3. A 3-year-olds voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowed
restaurant.
4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42-pound boy wearing Batman underwear and a superman cape. It is strong enough how-ever, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all for walls of a 20 x 20 room.
5. You should not throw baseballs up when the ceiling fan is on. When using the fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a baseball a long way.
6. The glass in windows (even double pane) doesn't stop a baseball hit by a ceiling fan.
7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words "Uh-oh." It's already too late.
8. Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it!
9. A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36 year-old-man says they can only do it in the movies. A magnifying glass can start a fire even on an overcast day.
10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a
four-year-old.
11. "Play Dough" and "Microwave" should never be used in the same sentence.
12. Super glue is forever.
13. No matter how much Jell-O you put in the swimming pool, you still can't walk on water.
14. Pool filters do not like Jell-O.
15. VCR's do not eject PBJ sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.
16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.
17. Marbles in gas tanks make lots of noise when driving.
18. You probably do not want to know what that odor is.
19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on. Plastic toys do like ovens.
20. The fire department in Austin, TX has a 5-minute response time.
21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.
22. It will however make cats dizzy.
23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

RULES THAT GUYS WISH GIRLS KNEW
1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not
ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it
down.
3. Do NOT cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more
attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys
fear getting married is that married women always cut
their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not
quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet
again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to;
expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you
are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the
shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going
to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work.
Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will.
Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are
bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you
think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of
thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it.That is what we do. Sympathy is what your
girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem.
See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than
deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to
take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an
argument.All comments become null and void after 7
days.
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us
how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and
neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose
their right to complain about having their boobs stared
at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut
blouses. We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was
the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default
settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY
stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our
lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little
we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly
fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry;
the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
46. What the hell is a doily?

> Irish Turkey Recipe:
>
> STEP 1: GO BUY A TURKEY
> STEP 2: TAKE A DRINK OF WHISKEY (SCOTCH)
> STEP 3: PUT TURKEY IN THE OVEN
> STEP 4: TAKE ANOTHER 2 DRINKS OF WHISKEY
> STEP 5: SET THE DEGREE AT 375 OVENS
> STEP 6: TAKE 3 MORE WHISKEYS OF DRINK
> STEP 7: TURN OVEN ON
> STEP 8: TAKE 4 WHISKS OF DRINKY
> STEP 9: TURK THE BASTEY
> STEP 10: WHISKEY ANOTHER BOTTLE OF GET
> STEP 11: STICK A TURKEY IN THE THERMOMETER
> STEP 12: GLASS YOURSELF A POUR OF WHISKEY
> STEP 13: BAKE THE WHISKEY FOR HOURS
> STEP 14: TEST THE LURKEY FOR NUMBNESS
> STEP 15: TAKE THE OVER OUT OF THE LURKEY
> STEP 16: FLOOR THE LURKEY UP OFF OF THE PICK
> STEP 17: TURK THE CARVEY
> STEP 18: GET YOURSELF NUTHER SCOTTLE OF BOTCH
> STEP 19: TET THE SABLE AND POUR YOUSELF A GLASS OF TURKEY
> STEP 20: BLESS THE SAYING, PASS AND EAT OUT.

TR> RECIPE FOR LOVE:

TR> 2 Laughing eyes
TR> 2 Well-shaped legs
TR> 2 Loving arms
TR> 2 Firm milk containers
TR> 2 Nuts
TR> 1 Fur-lined mixing bowl
TR> 1 Firm banana

TR> Directions:

TR> 1. Look into laughing eyes.
TR> 2. Spread well-shaped legs with loving arms.
TR> 3. Squeeze and massage milk containers very gently until
fur-lined
TR>mixing
TR> bowl is well greased, check regularly with finger.
TR> 4. Gently add firm banana to mixing bowl, working in and out
until
TR>well
TR> creamed. (For best results, continue to knead milk containers.)
TR> 5. As heat rises, plunge banana deep into mixing bowl and cover
with
TR>nuts,
TR> leave to soak (preferably not over night).
TR> 6. The cake is done when banana is soft. If banana doesn't
soften,
TR>repeat
TR> steps 3-5 or change mixing bowls.

TR> Notes:
TR> 1. If in unfamiliar kitchen, wash utensils carefully before and
after
TR>use.
TR> 2. Do not lick mixing bowl after use.
TR> 3. If cake rises, leave town.

> The Differences Between Men and Women
>
> NICKNAMES: If Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and Michelle go
> out for lunch, they
> will call each other Gloria, Suzanne, Debra and
> Michelle. But if Mike, Phil,
> Rob and Jack go out for a beer, they will
> affectionately refer to each other
> as Fat Boy, Godzilla, Peanut-Head and Useless.
>
> EATING OUT: And when the check comes, Mike, Phil,
> Rob and Jack will
> eacht throw in $20 bills, even though it's only for
> $45.00. None of them will
> have anything smaller, and none will actually admit
> they want change back.
> When the girls get their check, out come the pocket
> calculators.
>
> BATHROOMS: A man has six items in his bathroom-a
> toothbrush, shaving
> cream, razor, a bar of Dial soap, and a towel from
> the Holiday Inn. The
> average number of items in the typical woman's
> bathroom is 437. A man
> would not be able to identify most of these items.
>
> GROCERIES: A woman makes a list of things she needs
> and then goes out to
> the store and buys these things. A man waits till
> the only items left in his fridge
> are half a lime and a soda. Then he goes grocery
> shopping. He buys everything
> that looks good. By the time a man reaches the
> checkout counter, his cart is
> packed tighter than the Clampett's car on Beverly
> Hillbillies. Of course, this
> will not stop him from going to the 10-items-or-less
> lane.
>
> SHOES: When preparing for work, a woman will put on
> a Mondi wool suit,
> then slip on Reebok sneakers. She will carry her
> dress shoes in a plastic bag
> from Saks. When a woman gets to work, she will put
> on her dress shoes. Five
> minutes later, she will kick them off because her
> feet are under the desk. A
> man will wear the same pair of shoes all day, every
day.
>
>
> DRESSING UP: A woman will dress up to: go shopping,
> water the plants,
> empty the garbage, answer the phone, read a book,
> get the mail. A man will
> dress up for: weddings, funerals.
>
> LAUNDRY: Women do laundry every day. A
> man will wear every
> article of clothing he owns, including his surgical
> pants that were hip about
> eight years ago, before he will do his laundry. When
> he is finally out of clothes,
> he will wear a dirty sweatshirt inside out, rent a
> U-Haul and take his mountain
> of clothes to the Laundromat. Men always expect to
> meet beautiful women at
> the Laundromat. This is a myth perpetuated by
> re-runs of old episodes of
> "Love, American Style."
>
> OFFSPRING: Ah, children. A woman knows all about her
> children. She
> knows about dentist appointments and soccer games
> and romances and best
> friends and favorite foods and secret fears and
> hopes and dreams. A man is
> vaguely aware of some short people living in the
> house.

The Perfect Day in the eyes of a Women:

08:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses

08:30 Weigh in 2lbs. lighter than yesterday

08:45 Breakfast in bed, freshly squeezed orange juice and croissants,
open presents expensive jewelry chosen by thoughtful partner.

09:15 Soothing hot baths with frangipani bath oil.

10:00 Light work out at club with handsome funny personal trainer

12:00 Lunch with best friend at fashionable outdoor cafe

13:00 Catch sight of husband/boyfriend's ex and notices she has gained
7lbs.

15:00 Nap

16:00 Three dozen roses delivered by florist, card id from secret
admirer

16:15 Light work out at club, followed by massage from strong but
gentle
hunk who says he rarely gets to work on such a perfect body.

17:30 Choose outfit from expensive designer wardrobe, parade before
full-length mirror.

19:30 Candle lit dinner for two followed by dancing, with compliments
received from other diners/dancers

22:00 Hot shower (alone)

22:50 Carried to bed. (Freshly ironed, crisp, new white linen)

23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

23:15 Fall asleep in his big strong arms.


The Perfect Day for a Man:

06:00 Alarm

06:15 Blowjob

06:30 Massive satisfying dump while reading the sports section

07:00 Breakfast, rump steak and eggs, coffee and toast all cooked by
naked buxom wench.

07:30 Limo arrives

07:45 Several whiskies on-route to airport

09:15 Flight in personal Lear jet

09:30 Limo to Riverside Oaks Golf Club (blow job en-route) 09:45 Play
front nine
(2 under)

11:45 Lunch: Pie, chips and gravy, 3 lagers and bottle of Dom Perignon.

12:10 Blowjob

12:15 Play back nine (4 under)

14:15 Limo back to airport (several whiskies)

14:30 Fly to Monte Carlo

15:30 Late afternoon fishing excursion with all female crew (all nude)

16:30 Land world record Marlin (1,800lbs on light tackle)

17:00 Fly home, massage and hand job by Elle McPherson.

18:45 Shit, shower and shave

19:00 Watch news: Michael Jackson assassinated, marijuana and porn
legalized.

19:30 Dinner, lobster appetizers, Dom Perignon (1953) big juicy steak
followed by Ice cream served on a pair of tits.

21:00 Napoleon brandy and Cohuna cigar in front of wall size TV as you
watch international match of the day. New Zealand beating Australia
113-0

21:30 Line of coke, sex with three women (all with lesbian tendencies)

23:00 Massage and Jacuzzi with tasty pizza snack and cleansing ale.

23:30 A nightcap blow job

23:45 In bed alone

23:50 A 12 second fart which changes pitch 4 times and forces the dog to leave the room.

Peace
peter
LinkReply

Comments:
[User Picture]From: cream_soda
2004-04-15 02:15 pm (UTC)
Hil-a-ri-ous. My personal favorite...

HOW TO STOP PEOPLE FROM BUGGING YOU ABOUT GETTING MARRIED
Old aunts used to come up to me at weddings, poking me in the ribs and cackling, telling me, "You're next." They stopped after I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.


*hugs you* Thanks for the laugh!
(Reply) (Thread)
[User Picture]From: petersheil
2004-04-16 02:02 am (UTC)
:)
your welcome
(Reply) (Parent) (Thread)